The way I see it is that life is rough, but there's always something to be thankful about.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I wanted to write a blog about things I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for my wonderful family. You are always there for me.

I'm thankful for my wonderful friends. I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if it wasn't for your support and love these past couple of months. So thank you for being there and knowing what to say.

I'm thankful for hugs and "I love you"s.
I'm thankful to have the opportunity to go to school and learn.
I'm thankful for good food and clean water.
I'm thankful to have somewhere to call my home.
I'm thankful for new friends.
I'm thankful for an awesome roommate.
I'm thankful for old friends.
I'm thankful for my best friends.
I'm thankful for technology.
I'm thankful for receiving things in the mail.
I'm thankful for great movies.
I'm thankful for great books.
I'm thankful for great music.
I'm thankful for color.
I'm thankful to have a comfy bed to sleep in at night.
I'm thankful for animals.
I'm thankful to have allergy medicine so I can be around animals.
I'm thankful for cars.
I'm thankful for a lot of things.

But most of all, I'm thankful for you. Thanks for giving me hope, kindness, and so much more.

Well. Where to start?

This quarter has been incredibly tough for me. I did know what I was getting into when I signed up for classes. But it's so much more than that. My classes are a lot more challenging this quarter, which I absolutely love. But I absolutely hate chemistry. I'm okay with all the math, but it's remembering everything, and understanding parts of it that gets me. So if you are really great at chemistry, please help me!

At the same time that I'm dealing with the craziness of sophomore year, we are having a bunch of family things going on. I just lost my Great-grandpa Buttram. And on top of that, I just lost my Grandpa Johnson. This has been extremely hard for me. I've lost two wonderful people in my life at the same time.

In other news, my brother just moved in with my Dad. That was a difficult change for some of us. And while I'm glad that my brother gets to know my half-brother and sister more, it's a tough situation.

So, I'm just asking for patience and prayers. I'm not totally my normal self right now. I'm emotionally exhausted, and it's kind of taking a toll on me. Like I just said, please be patient with me, and please pray for my family. We need it. I need it.

And to everyone around me who has been helping me, I can't tell you thank you enough. I love you guys.

Goals for October.

Use my planner and make a to do list. I don't want to procrastinate. I don't want to fall behind. This is my goal, and I'm hoping to stick with it. Along with this is to stay organized.

No pop, lots of water. Also, no junk food. The one exception to this is Halloween. Halloween is a holiday, and I'm pretty sure no one sticks to their plans on holidays.

Exercise at least three times a week. I want to lose the freshman weight I gained, plus some. I don't want to gain any more weight this year.

Less computer time. I'm on Facebook wayyyyyy too much! I want to limit my time on the computer. There are more important things to be done.


On a completely different note, you should write me. I love getting things in the mail, and I writing to people. If you want to write, you should message me and I'll send you my address! I might not write back right away, but I will write back. [:

I'm really tired of being sad. Things have gotten better for me, but not for my family. And it sucks. Big time. How do you stay strong when things keep going wrong?

Weight.

Well, this is a hard topic for me to write about. If you know me, you know that I've struggled with my weight for a while. Then I went to college, and I gained the freshman 15. Well, to be honest, it was more than 15.

It's not that I eat unhealthy all the time. But I do need to eat healthier more often. I need to eat more fruits and veggies, and less junk food. I also need to work on emotional eating. I, Jacqueline, have a problem with emotional eating. It happens to the best of us. I eat when I'm bored, or frustrated, or whatever. Especially when I'm sad though. And seeing as how I've had lots of sadness lately, it really sucks. I'm trying to stop that though. I've been writing more, and even if I don't share how I feel, at least I'm getting my feelings out instead of trying to drown them in food.

I also need to exercise more. I walk a lot, especially at school, but that doesn't feel good enough. I need to do more. I wish I had a work out buddy.

One more thing I need to work on is portion sizes. Most of us eat way too much at one sitting. I'd like to change that.

So, here's the deal. I want to get down to my goal weight of anywhere between 101 to 135, which is a healthy weight for my height. I don't know how long it's going to take. I know that changing my life around is not going to be easy. But I'm going to do it.

Goals:

• Run the mile in 10 minutes or less.
• Goal weight of 101 to 135.
• Eat more fruits and veggies.
  
• Drink more water.
• Exercise every other day.
• Lose all weight by the time I turn 21, and hopefully keep it that way!

Well, I have a lot to do obviously. But I can do it. I have to do this for myself. If not, things could just go downhill. I'm already at risk for some health issues, and I have a few health issues right now that could just get worse if I gain more weight. This will be hard. But I can do it. I'll try and continuously blog about this, but that's more for me than for anyone else. Wish me luck!

Teen Suicide.

Have you ever seen the movie To Save A Life? It wasn't the best movie out there, but it's about real life. This stuff happens to teens all the time. This movie really hit a little too close to home for me, but it was a good movie. You should watch it. Watch the trailer here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGLEUcQk8dA

I bet you know, or have a heard of at least one teen who has either attempted or actually committed suicide. I have. To be honest, I used to think about it a lot myself. Luckily, I had a few friends there for me. However, other teens aren't so lucky. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for 15 to 24 year olds, and the sixth leading cause of death for 5 to 14 year olds. Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for all people regardless of age. Suicide has to be taken seriously.

Even though boys commit suicide more often than girls, no one is immune. In a recent study of high school students, 60% said they had thought about killing themselves. About 9% said they had tried at least once. Suicide rates have gone up in the last few years for multiple reasons. It's easier to get the tools for suicide, the pressures of life are greater, there's more violence in the newspapers and on t.v., and more. Another cause might be a lack of parental interest. Growing up in a divorced household is hard, and so is living in a house where both parents work and families get to spend limited time together. According to one study, 90% of suicidal teens believed their families didn't understand them. Also, it's been reported that when teens try to tell their parents about their feelings of unhappiness, their parents would not listen.

Some facts:

• 121 million people worldwide suffer depression, 18 million of these cases are happening in the US.
• Between 20% and 50% of children and teens struggling with depression have a family history of this struggle and the offspring of depressed parents are more than 3 times as likely to suffer from depression.
• Depression often co-occurs with anxiety disorders and substance abuse, with 30% of teens with depression also developing a substance abuse problem.
• 2/3 of those suffering from depression never seek treatment.
• Untreated depression is the number one cause of sucide.
• Each year approximately one million people die from suicide, which represents a global mortality rate of 16 people per 100,000, or one death every 40 seconds. It is predicted that by 2020, the rate of death will increase to one every 20 seconds.
• The Eastern Mediterranean Region and Central Asia republics have the lowest suicide rates.
• Nearly 30% of all suicides worldwide occur in India and China.
• Males are four times more likely to die from suicide than females. Females are more likely to attempt suicide than are males.
  

Often untreated depression and other struggles lead to unhealthy ways in which we try and deal with the hurt and pain we are feeling. We try and find anything that we can do to take away the hurt, painful feelings, or negative thoughts. The things that we turn to seem to help at first, but they are often unhealthy, eventually becoming even greater struggles like addictions such as drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, or self-injury.

Self-injury includes, but is not limited to: cutting, burning, interfering with wound healing, hitting self or objects, inserting objects into skin, bruising or breaking bones, and some forms of hair pulling. 4% of the population struggle with self-injury.

Check out this website: http://www.selfinjury.com/index.html

There are warning signs that someone is going to commit suicide. They might:

• have a dramatic change of personality,
• have trouble getting along with other friends or with parents,
• withdraw from people he or she used to feel close to,
• fail to live up to his or her own or someone else's standards,
• always seem bored, or have trouble concentrating,
• be pregnant and having a hard time trying to cope,
• run away from home,
• abuse drugs and/or alcohol,
• change their eating or sleeping patterns,
  
• change their appearance for the worse,
• give away some of their most prized possessions,
• write notes or poems about death,
• talk about suicide, even jokingly.

If you suspect that someone is thinking about suicide, don't remain silent. Talk to that person, and reassure him or her that you love them. Ask the person to talk about their feelings. Listen carefully, and do not dismiss or get angry with their problems. If you're another teen, tell an adult like their parents or someone at school.

Like I said earlier, suicide needs to be taken seriously. When someone commits suicide, it affects everyone around them. It's so sad to have someone cut their life so short.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXqocdThk8s

Resources:

• http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/teen_suicide
• http://www.aap.org/advocacy/childhealthmonth/prevteensuicide.htm
• http://www.twloha.com/
  

Spending a week by myself.

This past week I spent it alone. Just me and our pets. It was different. I thought it was going to be amazing, but it turns out that it wasn't as amazing as I thought it would be. Here are some things I learned over the week of being by myself.

1. Don't be paranoid. We've all heard it's better to be safe than sorry. But don't push it. The night before my family left, some lady weirded out my mom. My mom was a little worried, and she passed that onto me. My problem is that sometimes I worry way too much, and this just happened to be one of those times. It got so bad that the first couple of nights even little noises freaked me out. Turns out that those little noises were just our pets. I also went to sleep with my TV on. If you know me well, you know that I never fall asleep at night with the TV on unless it's at someone else's house, usually my best friend's. A word of advice: sometimes it's okay to worry, but you should never worry so much you become paranoid. For me it took away a lot of the fun and relaxation this week was supposed to bring me.
2. After you cook, clean up your mess right away. If you don't do that, at least rinse off everything you used. I know that, and so should everyone else by the way. Anyways, sometimes I get a little lazy. This week just so happened to be one of those lazy times. I didn't want to wash any dishes. I should have, but I didn't. Once again, lesson learned.
3. Don't forget to eat. I can be a little absent-minded at times, and this doesn't always work out for me. Sometimes I forget to eat because I'm so pre-occupied doing other things. It's better when I'm with other people at times, because they get hungry.
4. Don't be a procrastinator. You would think that I would know this by now. I mean, I guess I know it, but I never actually do it. It's quite the problem. I should have done everything I needed to do in the beginning of the week so I didn't have to do it this weekend, right before my parents got home. I was planning on it. But it never happened. I wanted to watch a movie I haven't seen, or there was something on TV, or I wanted to read for a little while. If I was smart, I would have done everything first and then spent the weekend relaxing before my brothers came back. I never said I was the brightest, now did I?
5. Exercise really does make everything feel better. I wasn't planning on spending my mornings exercising. But I did anyways. Not only did it help my cramps a little, which if life was fair I wouldn't have this week, but I also felt better after. When I'm frustrated, or annoyed, or sad, or angry, whatever, exercise is one of the ways I get all that out without either yelling at someone or breaking down in front of someone.
6. If you're feeling alone in the world, go do something! I've had plenty of "I feel so lonely I would talk to ANYONE right now" moments this week. My solution? I went outside for a while and played with my dogs and did some yard work. I also would read, or get on facebook or watch TV. But I did something. Although, this week would have been a lot more fun if I were in Everett because all my really close friends are there. We could have had a blast hanging out. But, not going to think about that because that brings a whole bunch of sad things up and I don't want to be sad at this moment in time. I finally got past that.
7. It's really kind of pointless to stay up late when you are by yourself. Unless you're watching a movie that is. Most of the week I stayed up til midnight, but I woke up at 7:30. The few days that happened I felt awful. I didn't really want to go to bed, but I didn't want to stay up either. There was nothing really to do. I'd rather go to bed early than feel awful the next day.
8. If you have a bad day, there is not always going to be someone there to push you to stop moping. A little moping is alright now and then, but you don't want to spend all day doing it. I usually have someone around me to go do things with, and they help me to stop moping. But not having my mom around, or even my brothers, made that a little difficult. I had one bad day, and all I wanted to do was sit around and do nothing. I felt awful, but then I also felt awful that I spent most of my day doing nothing.
9. Take care of personal hygiene. Believe me. Just because you haven't been around anyone does not mean you should skip the showers or brush your teeth. I was already feeling a bit lonely and awful, skipping a shower just made me feel ten times worse. One night I fell asleep without brushing my teeth. The next morning my breath was disgusting and my mouth felt gross. Bad mistake on my part. Lesson learned. You might not be around people, but you have to be around yourself. Make yourself feel good.
10. Don't waste your time. Use it wisely. I don't really get a lot of "me" time anymore. Ever since we moved, my brothers are constantly at home. Usually one brother is using the computer, and the other the tv. And then college came around, and you definitely do not get a lot of alone time while living in a dorm. Sadly, I spent half the week wishing that my family would come back sooner rather than later. I love them and everything, but who knows when I'm going to have the chance to get some "me" time. I shouldn't have spent my time wishing they were back already when I know that next week I will be wishing for quiet again.

Well, this week was definitely crazy. I had a good time when I wanted to. Although, I don't think I should ever stay away from people this long ever again. The quiet is nice and everything, but it's slightly crazy. I started talking to myself. I know, I already do that. But this was worse. This week has proven that I am definitely a people person. Also, it's really weird cooking for five and then all of a sudden cooking for one. Let's just say I had lots of leftovers a few nights.

The things I love.

I really like to cook. Place me in the kitchen after a long, stressful day, and I will feel wonderful. There's something about cooking and listening to music that is therapeutic to me. I can't really explain that, it just is. Last night I made spaghetti while listening to music on Pandora. It felt wonderful. The best part about the whole thing? No one was there to criticize what I did wrong or what they didn't like about the meal. I'm not a perfect cook. I have lots to learn. I didn't get any culinary training. But I like it that way. In the kitchen, you can control everything. Well, almost everything. Things don't often work out as planned. But when you can just cook, and dance, and clean, and sing all at the same time, it's a wonderful way to relax.

I also really love to write. I can write out all my feelings without having to share with other people. I can write out all my emotions that I went through that day. But sometimes, when I'm having a really bad day, I can just write everything out on a piece of paper and just tear that paper up. Have you ever done that? Because it feels wonderful! Especially if you're really angry and frustrated with a person but you don't want to let them know. You get to put your anger somewhere else, but instead of yelling or hitting something (or someone) you let it out in a much healthier way.

I also really like to read. When you read a really great book, you can escape reality for a while. Your problems are no more. You can get involved in a different world, in a different life, in a different person.

Okay, but there is something bad about reading. Sadly, I have to admit that. Well, obviously fiction is not real, and sometimes that's hard because we all want the Prince Charming in real life. Or for the guys, they want that beautiful, intelligent, funny girl. Well, that doesn't always happen. We're not always going to get that perfect person in our life, and our problems aren't always going to be solved in a page or two. Things take time. I mean, I would love to meet a real live "Gilbert Blythe," but we all know that it's probably not going to happen. Besides, if I did meet someone like him, I think I'd go crazy because he is perfect. I'm nowhere close to being perfect.

Guys,

Mixed signals suck. Please be straight with us, because it kind of hurts to be wanted one moment, and then thrown to the side the next.

I don't really know what this is...

I don't really know who I am.
I think I do,
but I'm not sure.
I am constantly changing.
I want to make everyone around me feel better,
and I tend to forget about myself sometimes.
I don't like getting in the middle of conflict,
but sometimes I wish I was worth it.
I tend to let people run all over me.
I'm very ditzy at times,
as well as clumsy.
I'm done looking for someone,
it's okay to wait.
I want to feel wanted.
I want to feel needed.
But I don't need anyone.
I want to be with someone.
I want to be with someone who wants me.

...

The way I see it,

boys are lame and confusing.

relationships. unfinished.

I signed up for a class called relationships and personal development. I signed up for it for three reasons: I needed more credits, it sounded interesting, and it's a psychology class. I have only been to class once (because it's a once a week class that meets on Mondays) but I've been thinking about my relationships with other people constantly.

If I start out with family, we have some weird things going on. I haven't seen my biological dad since we moved from Everett. I haven't talked to him since right after graduation. Does it hurt? Definitely. But we don't have that great of a relationship. I wish I could change that, I really do. I really wish he could be there whenever I get married to walk me down the aisle, and I wish he would be able to get to know my kids, and maybe even my grand kids. But things have changed. Alcohol happened, and that's one reason why I have such a problem with alcohol.

I definitely have a better relationship with my step-dad. He's a much better dad than I can ever remember Shawn being. I hope he's the one who can walk me down the aisle. I don't often call him dad to his face, which I think is now more out of habit than anything (which I am working on changing) but he is the one I think of when I think of a dad. I'm happy to say that him and my mom have been married for ten years this June.

I don't have a lot of relationships with guys. Outside of family, I'm really good friends, or at least I was, with four guys. It feels like I've lost two of them because we don't really stay in touch. It really sucks, because I really, absolutely miss them. I know a lot of guys but they are mostly acquaintances. I like guys, and I like them to like me. I'm kind of scared of getting close to a guy just because he might leave. I'm trying to get over that though. I think I blame my dad for that. Getting over that fear though is slightly difficult. Trusting guys can be kind of tough at first, and I think that's partly because some of the guys around me. I do want more guy friends though because girls bring more drama, and they can be kind of bitchy. Guys can too, but they aren't as bad. [:

But for the future, I'm trying to let go of that fear to get close. Not just to guys, to anyone. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. -FDR

The way I see it, life is pretty good.

Wow, eighteen was a rough year. I mean, it was pretty exciting, but still, it was rough.

I moved from Puyallup to Spokane to Ellensburg. I moved too far away from my best friends. I've had some icky times at college. I've lost contact with my biological dad.

There has been some great moments though. I graduated from high school, finally! I got to spend some time before school started with my best friend and her boyfriend in there apartment. I moved out of the house, and started college. I found some family who I had lost contact with on Facebook, with the help of my mom.

Okay, so maybe it hasn't been a horrible year. The worst part was moving to the other side of the mountains. West side kids, I MISS YOU!

Right now, I'm kind of stuck in this place that I don't know how to get out of. I'm stuck between my old life and my new life, because I can't have both. I also feel like I should know what I want to do with my life. I know I have some time, and I shouldn't feel pressured, but I like to know. It's not unusual for freshmen to have no idea what they want to do. Right now, I'm trying to decide between teaching, or going to med school and becoming a doctor. As for what I would want to teach, or what kind of doctor I would want to be, I have no idea. Any advice that you have for me would be wonderfulllll.

I'm looking forward to this year. My last year of being a teenager. I'm kind of excited, yet at the same time, I don't want it to be. I kind of miss high school at times, and I miss being able to mess around with my best friends all the time. This is the year things are going to change, and I'm quite looking forward to it.

Shower thoughts.

I'm sorry.
I can't exactly tell you what I'm sorry for though.
I'm just sorry.
Sorry for how things ended,
sorry for what happened.

I miss you.
I want to tell you all the good things that happens,
and I want you to be there for me when I'm sad.

But hey, I'm okay. Don't worry about me. You don't have to be there for me all the time. I'm moving on, and I'm okay.

Here's the deal.
I like you. I like you a lot. How do I tell you?

I'm stuck in this rut. I'm a bit stuck in the past. I want things to go back to normal, but normal hasn't been normal for quite some time now. I'm stuck between the past and the present.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know me. I'm trying to figure myself out. But hey, that's what college is for, right?

The way I see it: Family.

Family is still family, even if you don't get along, or you hate each other, or you never see each other. It doesn't matter how many times you meet in person. It doesn't matter that you're not biologically family. Family is family.

We don't have the best situation. Things have gone wrong more times than I would like to admit. But still, the little things, that's what I like most. You don't have to love me, you don't even have to like me. I just want you to know that I love you no matter what. I'm tired of putting up with all your crap though. Things happen, people change, we move on. We all call ourselves Christian, but sometimes I wonder if we really are. Sometimes our behavior is definitely nothing close to acting Christian. We're supposed to love each other, no hate involved. I wish I knew exactly what was going through your mind when it comes to us, because I don't know. I wish I could understand what your thoughts are.