I just finished watching the newest episode of Glee, Born This Way. It hit home. I could list all the things I don't like about myself. I don't like my weight, or my hair. I break out all the time. I have glasses. I procrastinate. I'm somewhat of a perfectionist. I'm scared. I cry a lot. I'm shy. I tend to push people away. I'm lazy. I have hairy arms. I'm extremely self-conscious, and I'm pretty insecure. The list can go on and on.

Glee had a good point. We have to accept the way we are. To see that even Rachel and Quinn had insecurities about themselves was kind of nice. Even though someone appears pretty close to perfect, does not mean that they are.

I'm trying to accept the way I am. It's hard. But I can do it. And so can you. I don't like the way I look. And I don't always like the way I am. But I'm working on changing my attitude.

In the words of Lady Gaga,
"I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way.

Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'Cause baby, you were born this way"

Gravity.

All I could think about the whole time was how much I want you here. I think you would have laughed at me over how excited or silly I got. But that's okay, because I like your laugh. There are times when I miss you so much, and I hate that. I hate that I miss you because I feel like you have moved on, so why is it so incredibly hard for me to move on? I dream about you sometimes, about things that could have happened in the future. We hang out with our friends, you come visit me at my office on your days off, I come visit you at your work when I can. It's perfect. And then I wake up, and I remember that things didn't work out. I don't want to tell you about these dreams. Seriously, why can't I move on? I want to tell you about all the good things that are happening right now, and I want to tell you about all the bad stuff that is happening. You have always been there for me either way.

There are some days where my bed feels so empty. I want to fall asleep next to you. I want to wake up next to you. I want to kiss you right when we get up, but only if you don't mind my horrible morning breath. We will just stay in bed and cuddle for a bit. Just us, with no other worries. When we finally have to get up, we'll make breakfast together. French toast or pancakes or something else that's yummy. We'll eat together while reading the newspaper or a book. Or maybe we'll just eat and enjoy the peace. We'll clean up together and get ready to go for the day. And then, when it's finally time to go to work, you'll kiss me, and then we'll say I'll see you later, because that is so much better than saying good bye.

Photo credit: http://365words.tumblr.com/

April 8, 2011.

I am a daughter. I am a cousin. I am a sister. I am an aunt. I am a friend. I am a mentor. I am quiet. I am loud. I am shy. I am outgoing. I am weird. I am clumsy. I trip a lot. I tend to run into things. I read. I sing. I dance. I believe in God. I don't like my food on my plate to touch. I love trying new foods. I hate making my bed. I love cleaning the kitchen. I love animals. I want lots of kids. I want to be foster parent. I want to adopt. I want to travel the world. I'm scared of heights. I'm scared of traveling in airplanes. I procrastinate. I hate when water drips down my arm. I want to write my own book, and I want to see it get published. I love to write. I love nail polish. I love it when people play with my hair. I love it when people rub my back. I don't like feet. I don't like people playing with my feet. I love school. I love math. I love history. I love all kinds of literature. I haven't seen a lot of sci-fi movies, but I'm trying to change that. I don't like pineapple except for on pizza. I love the sun and blue skies. I love my family and friends. I make mistakes. I'm going to school to become a counselor because I hate to see people hurt.

And honestly, the fact that you don't want to get to know me after all this time really bothers me. But I'm done letting you get to me.

Photo credit: http://365words.tumblr.com/