People have always asked me what I wanted to do as a career. My answer has always been different. I’ve changed my mind multiple times. Singer, actress, dancer, teacher, doctor, lawyer, social worker, wedding planner, author. Some of these choices I knew could never happen. I can’t act or dance to save my life, and my voice isn’t that great either. As for the others, nothing really seemed to fit. I mean, can you imagine me being a lawyer? I most certainly cannot.

It took me one huge act by someone close to me to make me realize what I want to do with my life. I will always remember December 2010. I don’t remember the exact date, but I do know it was the day after I came home from college for winter break. Someone close to me attempted suicide. He was not the first person I know to do so or think about it, but for some reason his was the one that helped me realize my goals in life.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason. I am a firm believer that God has a plan for each and every one of us, whether you believe in Him or not. I can’t possibly understand God’s reasoning for suicides though. A few Christians I know have mentioned that it’s because of the Devil, and I can believe that. My brother says he doesn’t believe in God anymore because of all the pain and suffering he and many other people in the world have had to go through. And honestly, I’ve had the same doubts. So many people get hurt, and so many people die young. It’s awful. I wish I had the answer to his question, but I don’t. I do think that it all goes back to Genesis, where the Devil tricked Eve who got to Adam. And then God sent His son, His only son, to save us and take away our sins. And the fact that God did that for us is just amazing, because who would want to give their son away? I can’t even imagine having to do that. But it says in John 3:16-17 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” Anyways, I’m getting completely off track. (Although if you did want to have a conversation about God and the Bible I would love to talk to you as long as you keep in mind that I don’t have very many answers, just faith.) And for those of you who know someone who has committed suicide and didn’t survive, I’m extremely sorry. I have faith and confidence that God does have plans for us.

So, to get to the whole point of my story, I’m majoring in psychology. I eventually am going to get my masters and then my doctorate. I never wanted to have to go through that much school, which is why I was thinking about being a teacher, but God really works in mysterious ways. I want to be there for teenagers. I want to be someone they can talk to when they feel like they can’t talk to their family or friends. And quite honestly, the fact that I want to do this so bad scares me. I’m scared that I’m going to tell someone the wrong thing, or tell someone something and have them take it the wrong way. I know how fragile teenagers can be and if someone ended their life because of something that I said I think it would devastate me. But like I said before, God works in mysterious ways, and if he thinks that I can do this, then I know I can. I know what it's like to be teased, or to not feel like I'm good enough, or to feel that I'm just a burden and I'm all alone. I know what it's like to think about suicide. I just want to help all those teens who feel this way too.

So for those of you who doubt I’m doing the right thing, or whatever else you were thinking, there you go. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask me. I might be completely scared of somehow messing up, but I know that this is right for me. I will NOT change my mind again, so please don’t ask that anymore. I've made up my mind and even though you might not agree with me, it's not your life. It's mine.

6.7.11.

There are days where I miss you. Where I would do anything to get you back. Where I'm so sad all I want to do is cry and you are the reason for that.

And then there are days like today. Yes, I still miss you. I think you'll always have a special place in my heart. Honestly, I wish every day was like today. I don't want to cry over you anymore. I don't need you in my life. We didn't work out. Maybe it was never meant to be. Maybe the timing was bad and one day we will find each other once again. I hate how you still have this affect on me. I haven't seen you since graduation.

I don't need you in my life to be happy. I am perfectly fine all by myself. I get so angry at you sometimes because of the way you make me feel. And then I get angry at myself because I really have no reason to be angry at you.

6.4.11

Honestly, I miss you. And I'm scared to admit it. I don't want to miss you. I don't want to miss us. But I do.

This is why I want to be a counselor.

There are so many people hurting, and it breaks my heart.

Statistics:

• 20% of teens will experience depression before adulthood.
• 8.3% of teens suffer from depression for at least a year at a time.
• 20-40% of teens will have more than 1 episode within 2 years.
• 70% of teens will have more than 1 episode before adulthood.
• 2% of teens will have dysthymia.
• 15% of teens with depression eventually develop bipolar disorder.
• 20-50% of teens who suffer from depression have a family member who does as well.
• 30% of depressed teens also develop a substance abuse problem.
• Less than 33% of teens with depression get help.
• 19.3% of high school students have considered killing themselves.
• 14.5% of high school students have made actual plans.
• Girls think about suicide twice as much as boys, but boys are four times more likely to die by suicide.
• 60% of all suicides in the US are by gun.
• 1% of the US population have self-abusive behavior.
• 1 in every 200 girls between 15-19 years old cut themselves regularly.
• Among people between the ages of 15-24, there are 100-200 suicide attempts for every 1 suicide completed.
• About 1 in 3 people who self-harm for the first time will do it again.
• 3 in 100 people who self-harm over 15 years will kill themselves.

If you or someone else you know is thinking about suicide, TALK TO SOMEONE. If you feel like you have no one to talk to, call 1-800-273-TALK for 24 hour suicide prevention and support.

References:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen.htm

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/depression.html#

http://www.teendepression.org/stats/teenage-depression-statistics/

http://teensuicidestatistics.com/statistics-facts.html

http://www.teenhelp.com/teen-health/cutting-stats-treatment.html

http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/Suicide_DataSheet-a.pdf\

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/problems/depression/self-harm.aspx

5.16.11

I feel like I'm a morning person. It's my moment for myself. I don't have to worry about what the day will bring. But I feel that if I woke up next to someone as amazing as you, my mornings would be so much better. It wouldn't be just my time. No, it would be our time. Our time to just be with each other, not worrying about what we will have to face. There might be times when I would wake you up by kissing you. You might do the same.

Sometimes I might make you breakfast, but don't expect that every day. I might be a woman, but I'm not going to spend all my time in the kitchen for you. And if you want an omelet, you might want to make it yourself. Or teach me how to do it, because I've never been very good with those. Or maybe you'll make me breakfast. But I look forward to the days where we make breakfast together, because cooking is much more fun when you have a partner. We'll make a mess and then we'll eat and clean it up. We might read the newspaper. We might laugh. We might just watch tv.

There will be times when we will have all the time in the world. There will be times when our morning is rushed. But I seriously can't wait for our mornings together.

I just finished watching the newest episode of Glee, Born This Way. It hit home. I could list all the things I don't like about myself. I don't like my weight, or my hair. I break out all the time. I have glasses. I procrastinate. I'm somewhat of a perfectionist. I'm scared. I cry a lot. I'm shy. I tend to push people away. I'm lazy. I have hairy arms. I'm extremely self-conscious, and I'm pretty insecure. The list can go on and on.

Glee had a good point. We have to accept the way we are. To see that even Rachel and Quinn had insecurities about themselves was kind of nice. Even though someone appears pretty close to perfect, does not mean that they are.

I'm trying to accept the way I am. It's hard. But I can do it. And so can you. I don't like the way I look. And I don't always like the way I am. But I'm working on changing my attitude.

In the words of Lady Gaga,
"I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way.

Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'Cause baby, you were born this way"

Gravity.

All I could think about the whole time was how much I want you here. I think you would have laughed at me over how excited or silly I got. But that's okay, because I like your laugh. There are times when I miss you so much, and I hate that. I hate that I miss you because I feel like you have moved on, so why is it so incredibly hard for me to move on? I dream about you sometimes, about things that could have happened in the future. We hang out with our friends, you come visit me at my office on your days off, I come visit you at your work when I can. It's perfect. And then I wake up, and I remember that things didn't work out. I don't want to tell you about these dreams. Seriously, why can't I move on? I want to tell you about all the good things that are happening right now, and I want to tell you about all the bad stuff that is happening. You have always been there for me either way.