Guys,

Mixed signals suck. Please be straight with us, because it kind of hurts to be wanted one moment, and then thrown to the side the next.

I don't really know what this is...

I don't really know who I am.
I think I do,
but I'm not sure.
I am constantly changing.
I want to make everyone around me feel better,
and I tend to forget about myself sometimes.
I don't like getting in the middle of conflict,
but sometimes I wish I was worth it.
I tend to let people run all over me.
I'm very ditzy at times,
as well as clumsy.
I'm done looking for someone,
it's okay to wait.
I want to feel wanted.
I want to feel needed.
But I don't need anyone.
I want to be with someone.
I want to be with someone who wants me.

...

The way I see it,

boys are lame and confusing.

relationships. unfinished.

I signed up for a class called relationships and personal development. I signed up for it for three reasons: I needed more credits, it sounded interesting, and it's a psychology class. I have only been to class once (because it's a once a week class that meets on Mondays) but I've been thinking about my relationships with other people constantly.

If I start out with family, we have some weird things going on. I haven't seen my biological dad since we moved from Everett. I haven't talked to him since right after graduation. Does it hurt? Definitely. But we don't have that great of a relationship. I wish I could change that, I really do. I really wish he could be there whenever I get married to walk me down the aisle, and I wish he would be able to get to know my kids, and maybe even my grand kids. But things have changed. Alcohol happened, and that's one reason why I have such a problem with alcohol.

I definitely have a better relationship with my step-dad. He's a much better dad than I can ever remember Shawn being. I hope he's the one who can walk me down the aisle. I don't often call him dad to his face, which I think is now more out of habit than anything (which I am working on changing) but he is the one I think of when I think of a dad. I'm happy to say that him and my mom have been married for ten years this June.

I don't have a lot of relationships with guys. Outside of family, I'm really good friends, or at least I was, with four guys. It feels like I've lost two of them because we don't really stay in touch. It really sucks, because I really, absolutely miss them. I know a lot of guys but they are mostly acquaintances. I like guys, and I like them to like me. I'm kind of scared of getting close to a guy just because he might leave. I'm trying to get over that though. I think I blame my dad for that. Getting over that fear though is slightly difficult. Trusting guys can be kind of tough at first, and I think that's partly because some of the guys around me. I do want more guy friends though because girls bring more drama, and they can be kind of bitchy. Guys can too, but they aren't as bad. [:

But for the future, I'm trying to let go of that fear to get close. Not just to guys, to anyone. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. -FDR